I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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