so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Randomize
