oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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