i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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