I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
