highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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