If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
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