those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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