He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?