ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...