I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Randomize
