the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
