I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
