I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Randomize
