Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Randomize
