you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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