Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
