i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
