The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
