Umm I'm too high to move.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
