This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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