Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
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Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
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The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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