there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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