I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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