im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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