Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Randomize
