Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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