How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
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