Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
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