so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I touched a dick in church today
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
