the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
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