she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
