wakey wakey hands off snakey
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
