where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Randomize
