okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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