i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
