Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
