Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Randomize
