I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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