I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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