1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
