just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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