i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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