chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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