We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
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