U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
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His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
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You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
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