If i could tip my vagina, i would.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Randomize
