Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
