when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Randomize
