Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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