i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
