mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Randomize
