Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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