Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
