I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Randomize
