eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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